SBC Digital - India: Challenges and opportunities in the

So what you are saying, basically, is you got rich because Bendolzians will have sex with each other more easily than humans will sex with each other?
Yes.
But what does THAT have to do with accusations of defrauding an entire species for billions?
I didn’t do that. Ever.
But everyone accused you off it?
I made my money legally. Those charges were dropped.
So why did you have 384 separate arrest warrants out on you at one time?
Jealousy.
Jealousy? You were accused of massive intergalactic fraud and theft by 83 separate nations, out of jealousy?
Yes Mr Robert.
That’s a big statement.
I can back it up. With evidence.
Alright.
Not on the phone. It’s too dangerous. Come to my house.
The Bendolzian consulate?
My house. I know you are nearby. Come quick. Before someone tries to intercept you. They’re watching me closely. Get down to the marina. Look for a Bendolzian boat.
How will I spot it?
You’ll spot it. Hurry. They will be moving in on you from the moment this call ends.
Click
Belize, June 4th 2114
The line went dead. Robert Fadden blinked. The fact he managed to get a phone interview with the most elusive man on Earth was enough to keep his editor happy.
He had heard the rumours, everyone had; Sanjay Gupta was an Indian who had made his fortune in the waste disposal business. Somehow a decade or so ago he then made a bigger fortune defrauding the Bendolzians. The details were sealed and secret.
But everyone wanted this man. He had gone on the run. He was utterly paranoid they said. He lived on a private island where he partook in drug fulled orgies.
He was a real life Bond villain.
Still, mused Fadden, there WERE parts of his story that had his hard-nosed journalistic soul wondering. The Bendolzians had responded to the arrest warrants out on him by designating his island home their consulate and was considered Bendolzian territory. Rumour said he was forced them to do it- but how do you influence an entire alien species to do your bidding?
And the charges were ALL mysteriously dropped a couple of years ago. No clear explanation was ever given.
Every journalist on Earth wanted to work out what was going on with this story. And he had gotten to talk to the man. The first to have ever done that.
Fadden sat at the desk of his hotel room, sweat clinging to his body. ‘They will be moving in on you’? Well the paranoia part was correct.
Inwardly, Fadden could hear his mother, her strict Presbyterian Scottish accent, Don’t be having anything to do with dangerous men Bobby his internal version of her intones, Ya neva know what trouble it can land ya in.
But another part of him hears the words of his editor, Get the story Rob, and I promise you a front page. For about ten seconds Robert Fadden is torn between prudence and daring, between caution and risk.
He opts for risk. He moves without explanation or pause. He grabs his phone and throws it into his bag, followed by his digital recorder, a cheap digital camera, and the keys to the rental car parked in the garage below the hotel. He puts on his jacket (despite the heat) and heads out.
He foregoes waiting for the old lift, but takes the fire stairwell: moving fast, leaping the last three steps to each landing, downwards, forwards, driven as much by the excitement of the story than the fears of some paranoid billionaire.
In a few moments he enters the relative coolness of the underground car park; half full, he spots the small green 2093 Zephyr sat by itself. It was boxy, had seen much better days and was clearly the kind of hire car people on a budget would take. Which is why it was his.
He leaps in, inserts the key, watches as its electric engine starts instantly and silently, and quickly makes his way up and out onto the street besides the Hotel Anacebo.
The heat is stifling; even with the cars aircon he can feel it. A tropical heat, wet and stuffy, where the humidity was enhanced by the rainforest that surrounded the town and threatened, always, to overwhelm it.
The town was small. All roads led either out to the forest or down to the marina. He took the turns to the latter. He didn’t drive especially quickly but he did glance, nervously, at his rear view mirror a few times.
30 years had passed since humans had encountered Bendolzians; a gentle, faintly insectoid, interstellar species, whose exploration ship had emerged on the edge of the solar system and who had come towards Earth broadcasting messages of peace in a dozen languages.
Three decades of amazement and wonder. It had changed the world. The Bendolzians were far more advanced than we were in the realm of science. Human life expectancy had increased on average 25 years since they began sharing their technologies with us.
People spoke of a new golden age.
In return the humans had a culture and a civilisation that fascinated the aliens. Human music, human languages, human art. The Bendolzians, it was said, had given the human race the technology to produce stable clones in return for a live performance of a concerto by Bach. At least that is what everyone said. The aliens didn’t use currency. They gave us technology, we gave them culture.
But as Fadden drove he realised that while a generation had passed since then and Bendolzian technology had impacted upon all aspects of human life... in some places it was more apparent than others. Here? Miles from anywhere, a small, poor town, in a small, poor province of a small, poor country? You couldn’t tell at all.
The cars were ramshackle, the streets badly paved, the shops were basic. Life here carried on as if it was the 2030’s not the 2110’s. Poverty. Unemployment. Corruption.
Mankind maybe wasn’t alone anymore but it sure hadn’t changed much.
The marina’s car park is crowded but he finds a spot, parks the car, slugs his bag over his shoulder and strides towards the water. Inwardly he grins.
He was on his way to meet a real life Bond villain.
He scans the scene before him. As usual the place is filled with rusty fishing boats that have seen better days and a few small cargo craft. Further down is where the private boats are- he can see the masts of about two dozen yachts. Most will be small, he knows from experience; folks who live on the sea, often retirees. Living the dream and sailing the world.
As he walks he finds himself looking behind him and wondering if anyone was following him... Stop it. The guys paranoid
He strides onwards purposefully and notices a bunch of locals staring with real interest out at the edge of the marina. And then he sees what they are staring at.
It’s a boat. It’s a boat because it moves on water. But no part of it is touching the water. It hovers about six feet above the waves, gliding through the air. Its not... flying... as it’s wake causes the water to stir as if it was gliding in on some kind of invisible fin.
Long, sleek, elegant, very purple, and slightly ominous.
Clearly the Bendolzian boat then.
Robert makes his way towards the pier the boat seemed to be aiming at. The glare of the water makes him squint for a moment before he decides to put on his sunglasses. He stands there, watching the boat cut its engine and drift towards him. A tall Scot, in casual trousers, blond crew cut, and sunglasses.
How very fuckin James Bond of ya, ya wee Weegie Shite! goes his inner monologue.
Fadden is a tad disappointed that stepping onto the edge of the boat isn’t an actual Bendolzian but a human. By the looks of things, a local, dressed in a crisp white uniform.
“Mr Fadden?”
“Yes. Is this for me?”
“Yes Mr Fadden. Please come on board. We have instructions to take you at once to the Consulate...”
The Consulate of the Most Serene Chorus of the Beldolzia Collective had once been on the market as a millionaires retreat, a few decades ago. A half moon shaped island, two miles off the coast of Belize and facing the Caribbean.
There was a mansion, tennis courts, private grounds, more. All available for anyone who wished for privacy and avoidance of US Tax laws.
But then Sanjay Gupta has bought it and it had become an alien consulate and was one of the more discussed places on Earth.
Still, as the craft sliced through the air above the sea Robert couldn’t help have the impression he wasn’t approaching the some evil lair, rather somewhere that looked like a small, tacky, tourist resort. It was conservative, slightly garish and very boring.
No grand displays of alien technology, no alien flags, no aliens.
As the ship carefully and expertly navigated to a landing pad next to a pier the only indication he was technically on alien soil was a small sign which informed visitors that this island was under the laws and jurisdiction of the Bendolzians.
He was met by a polite staff and escorted to see the elusive billionaire. As he strides, Fadden looked about him.
Can’t imagine anyone having an orgy in a place like this. Maybe a game of bingo...
Twenty five minutes later, small talk over with, he has his recorder set up and mic placed to pick up his target.
He had to admit- Sanjay Gupta was not what he was expecting. Bespectacled, hair thinning, his face filed with a smile that was a little too over eager, a growing gut. If anything Fadden would have said he seemed more needy Indian uncle than evil billionaire.
The Scottish reporter clears his throat, turns on the recorder and begins.
“So, Mr Gupta...”
“Sanjay please. I prefer informality in my interviews,” comes the reply. Gupta’s English was perfect; the exact intonations of formal Received Pronunciation. Fadden could tell he had spent a lot to hide his origins form Uttar Pradesh.
“Fine. Sanjay. So, for the record, why did so many governments accuse you of fraud and theft?”
The billionaire smiles his over eager smile and sits back on his luxurious couch.
“Do you know the precise accusations or only the board terms?”
He’s avoiding...
“Only the broad terms, obviously.”
“Why is this? You are a journalist after all? Surely YOU would know more?”
Fadden can sense some kind of trap, so makes sure to answer precisely.
“The United World Global Council declared that since the crimes were committed against Beldolzians it would be better if the exact details remains a secret, to prevent any inter-species misunderstandings they said.”
Gupta seems pleased with this answer, and nodding says, “Indeed. The seven nations in the UWGC decreed it and the other 79 in the general assembly who had made allegations against me agreed to follow their decision. So the world was only ever given a broad over view of what I supposedly did.”
“Massive fraud of the Beldolzians,” says Robert, hoping to get more out of him, “and theft and deception. Hundreds of counts. Which makes me restate my question: Why?”
“Because they were jealous. I merely saw a gap in the market first and they could not see a way of closing this gap,” comes the reply.
“So the accusations were untrue?”
“Indeed Mr Robert, but it is worse that that? They were a smokescreen. The governments of humanity only alleged those things so they could shake me down for money. They wanted a cut of my profits. Extortion. So I made a deal with them and suddenly the charges were dropped.”
“Really?”
Fadden tried to keep the skepticism out of his voice but fails. Gupta did not seem to notice.
“Really Mr Robert. There WAS a fraud committed but not enacted by myself. It was done by the leaders of the world. I’m the victim here.”
“That’s a very serious accusation...”
“Would you like me to show you the emails? The private correspondence I have from the worlds leaders? The President of the EU? Prime Minister of the Greater Indian Republic? I even have a mail from the Patriarch of the Holy Russian Theocracy offering to lift the excommunication they had placed upon me, in exchange for hard currency. Extortion.”
“Because you are making...”
“Because I’ve made a fortune and made the Bendolzians very happy. Our alien friends pay me for simply providing them a service,” says the Indian. The Scot was having none of this, his hard nose journalist edge sought to sting his subject into revealing more.
“By selling them fake art? That seemed to be the gist of the accusations.”
Gupta smiles, all teeth and thin lips, but his eyes are cold.
“I never sold fakes. I sold copies.”
“You don’t pay a fortune for a copy,” spits back Fadden.
“The Bendolzians do.”
“Why?”
Gupta thinks and leans forward and say quietly, ‘I need to talk about that sex statement I made on the phone yes?”
“It was a hell of a statement to make. Provocative.”
“Deliberately so, Mr Robert. But not incorrect.”
“Explain it to me. Why do alien sexual practices mean you made fortune selling them copies of art?”
The billionaire nods and leans back again, his eyes searching Fadden’s face for a moment.
“Alright Mr Robert. I need to ask you a hypothetical question to begin. Indulge me for a moment.”
“Go ahead,” comes the crisp Glaswegian accent.
“Let us assume you are gay. Or that sexuality and gender is not something you cared about. I don’t know if you do, I don’t care, I just need you to suspend those concepts for me before I ask you this question,” says Gupta.
“Alright. Consider them suspended. What’s the question?”
“Would you be inclined to sleep with me. Right now.”
Robert blinks. Part of him has to admit, he did NOT expect such a question. Rapidly, he regains his composure.
“Er... no.”
“Alright. Why?”
“I don’t find you attractive. As men go. If I was to find a man attractive, I don’t think you would be it.”
“So,” says Gupta, talking as casually as he would an old friend, “there is an aesthetic quality you would desire in a partner. My ‘looks’ are not attractive enough to entice you?”
“Indeed. Not attractive enough.”
The Indian smiles, this time with an amused twinkle in his eye.
“But consider- I am the richest man on Earth. Worth billions. Being my sexual partner has its advantages then.”
“Are you offering me cash to sleep with you? Hypothetically speaking of course,” says Robert, also amused at the conversation.
“Let’s assume I’m not, so let me be more precise- isn’t there a certain allure to the idea of having said ‘I slept with the richest man on Earth?’ Would this change your mind?”
“Maybe. I’m unsure.”
“Let us assume then if you slept with me, you would receive financial benefits.”
“How much?”
“Assume a lot.”
“No offence, it would have to be,” he says automatically, but the journalist inwardly worries if his reply went too far. Luckily it did not seem to have.
“None taken. But assume it would be a life changing amount. Does this change your answer?”
“Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. Probably.”
“Aha. So the result of my proposition depends upon the CONTEXT it occurs in. By myself? You have no desire to have sex with me. With my wealth? Maybe. With material reward? Probably. I am correct in this?”
Robert couldn’t help but worry where this was going.
“Mr Gupta, I have to say...”
“Mr Robert- firstly? It’s Sanjay. Secondly, let me assure you, I have NO desire to sleep with you. At all. You are are someone I do not find attractive. And you do not have an alluring multi-billion dollar fortune to help compensate for this.”
Fadden grins, and says, “So why the questions?”
“Consider the human criteria for sleeping with people. Trust me Mr Robert, I am not one of the winners in the lottery of life in this regards. But I am aware that all people have certain traits, certain criteria we all place before us when it comes to choosing a sexual partner.”
The billionaire folds one leg under his body and gets into his stride.
“For some it is good looks we value most. For others it is wealth. Others would find a man who is gentle to be what they seek for most. Still others would place the ability to make them laugh. Usually it is not just one thing, but a combination of things, of desires, that all mix together and are manifest in something called the hierarchy of desire.”
The Scotsman blinks and says quietly, “You referring to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?”
The Indians face lights up, the way a persons face changes when they realise someone understands what they are talking about.
“Partly. Maslow’s theories do not have any scientific proof behind them yes? But they remain popular over 150 years after they come out because we all recognise something of ourselves in them?”
“That’s a fair assessment,” says Robert, trying to remember courses in psychology and sociology he had studied in university decades ago.
“So, I do not use HIS example as the actual model of this heirachy, as humans are more complex and there is probably much more interplay beteeen the actual levels...”
“I’d always thought so.”
“Good. We agree. But I use the term ‘hierarchy of desire’ as shorthand to describe the complicated, and uniquely individualistic ways we humans make the choice to decide if we are going to have sex with someone. Or not. There are a myriad of factors yes?”
Robert remained silent. He’d have to do some reading after this interview to see if Gupta’s words were valid or just cherry picking aspects of things, but for now he was just letting his target speak. Gupta simply carries on.
“Deep seated desires, physical fetishes, the circumstances you find yourself in, your location, all these are a factor. But, when the decision is made, we ALL follow a simple concept- where does the person who wishes to sleep with me fit within my heirachy of desire?”
A shrug, “Above the criteria for sex? We will have sex most probably. Below it? And we most probably won’t.”
Fadden sat and watched this little Indian explain the theory with glee. He was also aware he had allowed Gupta steer the interview away from him. It was time to try and bring it back.
“Alright Sanjay, assume I agree with that. What has all of this to do with accusations of defrauding an entire alien species?”
Sanjay Gupta sighs and shakes his head. He stands and walks away from the seating area towards the far wall of his grand study. Along one side, open windows with billowing curtains, reveal a stunning vista of the Caribbean but he ignores it.
“Follow me please,” he says as he does this. Robert Fadden, startled, grabs his microphone and follows the billionaire.
Gupta walks towards a painting at the far, far end of the massive room, leans upon a nearby desk and indicates to it.
“Mr Robert? Please, look at this,” he says politely.
The Scotsman joins the billionaire and gazed at the painting. It was sumptuous. A renaissance work he was sure. A woman holding a rather chubby baby, talking to another woman, with a man stood behind her. Robert is drawn to the way the sumptuous colours and fine detail.
He gazed at it a few seconds and says “Beautiful. Is it expensive?”
Gupta grins and says,”It is ‘A Sacra Conversazione: The Madonna and Child with Saints Luke and Catherine of Alexandria’ by the Renaissance master, Titian. Painted around 550 years ago. It was last sold in 2011 for just shy of 17 million dollars. Its current value is 378 million dollars. US.”
Unsure of how to respond to the billionaire showing off his wealth Robert simply says, “It’s amazing.”
Gupta raises his eyebrows.
“I bought this for 250,000 dollars. Cash.”
“Why so cheap?”
“Its not the original,” comes the cool reply.
“It isn’t?”
“I paid a man in Hong King, a most skilled fabricator, that much cash to create a copy of it. A copy so good that only a true expert armed with a bevvy of technology would be able to detect it is NOT the real thing. It is by all accounts an amazing replica. Right down to the exact number of brushstrokes.”
Robert gazed at it. It LOOKED authentic. He has no idea why he is looking at it, but part of him senses the billionaire is close to confessing his fraud, So remains silent. People hate silence. They fill it.
Two seconds later Gupta fills the silence.
“Next question Mr Robert; if this is virtually indistinguishable from the original, except to the eye of an utter expert who has spent a lifetime studying the paintings of Titian, why is original verison worth 1384 times more than this?”
“Its a fake.”
“No, it would ONLY become a fake if I ever tried to say it was the original. I do not. It is a replica. A copy. I repeat the question; why is it worth much less than the original?”
“Because it’s NOT the original.”
“Agreed. But why do we insist an original is worth more than a copy?”
This is it Robert- this is him confessing... careful man... just entice him to confess...
“I dunno”, comes the Scottish brogue accent, “it’s complicated. Why do we value art?”
“A complex question, yes. But consider it this way- ultimately all you are saying is that the difference between this painting and the one it copies is the CONTEXT of both paintings yes?”
Robert Fadden frowns and thinks for a moment before speaking.
“Are you saying it’s like the way we pick sexual partners?”
“Not in so many words but at its heart, yes. There is an underlying pattern of thought. The thoughts themselves differ Mr Robert, but the pattern of thought, the idea of a hierarchy of desire remains.”
“I suppose I see your point Mr Gupta... Sanjay. But it’s rather thin don’t you think?”
Slowly the billionaire walks away from the painting to the open windows and just beyond it, a wide balcony that runs along the side of the massive room. There is no wind today, but despite the sun, the balcony is in shade. Robert finds it so wonderfully refreshing... and it’s a heck of a view.
As he walks, Gupta chats along with the journalist casually.
“You know what I was reading the other day? The original reviews of an old 20th century movie called ‘Psycho’. It is an amazing film. It is about a woman who steals money of her employer and then flees to join up with her lover in another state. As she drives, she is troubled by a violent storm and so decides to stop on her journey at somewhere called the Bates Motel, where she meets the owner, one Norman Bates...”
“Yes Sanjay, I am aware of ‘Psycho’. She gets murdered in the shower.”
“Oh good. Now what’s interesting is that the critics, without exception, slated the film. They called it unimaginative and plodding and even said it was infested with tediousness. Meanwhile the public hated it. They did not go see it. It was a commercial failure.”
The reporter frowns, “No. Wait. That’s not right. Hitchcock’s Psycho is a classic.”
The Indian smiles broadly at this reply.
“Ah. I refer to the remake made by Gus Van Sant 38 years later. An almost shot for shot remake of the original. A perfect copy. Utterly overlooked. It’s existence is almost forgotten about.”
There was a remake?
“Tell me- what is it about copies we hate so much? In the heriarchy of desire why do we hate ‘fakes’- men who try too hard, or movies that make copies of classics or modern versions of ancient paintings?”
Fadden gazed at the waves for a moment and says, “Authenticity. We value authenticity.”
“Ah, very good Mr Robert. We value authenticity. The key word there is ‘value’. When we talk about art we say authenticity. When we talk about sexual partners we can say sincerity. Or attractiveness. Whatever. It is NOT about HOW we place things in the heirarchy of desire, it is that we have these values at all that is crucial.”
“Alright Sanjay. Let’s assume I go along with this. What does all this have to do...”
“I’m getting to that Mr Robert. All I am saying ultimately is that when you study humans you quickly realise that this method of thinking in ingrained so deeply into us that it manifests itself in a million ways. So, shall I have sex with this person or that person? Shall I buy this suit or this coat? Shall I purchase this limited edition car? Shall I visit this country or that country? How much is this painting worth? Do you see?”
Robert stares out at the sea for a few seconds.
“Yes. I see. I think.”
“Or put it this way. Take the Mona Lisa. The most expensive painting in the world. It said to be priceless but I happen to know that if you offered the French government 7 billion Euros? They would let you purchase it. Of course it must remain in the Louvre for all time. But for seven billion you get a little plaque next to it saying it’s yours.”
Fadden can’t help but grin at Gupta.
“You asked didn’t you?”
“I was curious,” he laughs, “but now consider this. The Mona Lisa is worth 7 billion. A high grade copy of it printed on canvus with the best processes money can buy? Ten thousand euros. A low grade copy? Maybe 400. And a poster? Ten euro. See? We value originals, authenticated and unique above all others. And the CONTEXT of the other copies will dictate where we place them on the hierarchy of desire.”
“Right but...”
“But what about our alien friends?”
“Indeed,” says Fadden.
“Bendolzian’s are an odd bunch to look at. You must have seen pictures. Trust me they are much more shocking to meet for real. Eight feet high. Six legs around a long central core containing their mouth for eating and oriface for excretion. They have the torso above the core, which means arms, mouths, eyes and ears and crucially brains are separate from functions for eating and movement...”
“Yes I am aware of how... different they look. When did you first have dealings with them?”
The billionaire began walking back to his fake painting by the desk, the reporter carefully making sure his microphone picks up every word. Gupta seems to be happy to talk about his dealings with the aliens.
“I first visited the Bendolzian home world 9 years ago. Part of a mostly failed trade delegation. I was hoping to see if they needed any large scale waste disposal.”
“Go on?”
“My first day there? I met a human XenoBiologist. One of the first who went there. He told me something fascinating. The Bendolzians love sex. For the sake of sex.”
Robert nodded. Back to the sex talk.
“They DO?” He tried to sound mock shocked.
“Yes. Or so he thought. Bendolzians are capable of feeling intense pleasure during sex and seem to copulate often. Yet sex is a common social interaction for them. They use sex in greeting, departing, in establishing rapport. They have no sense of shame about it. And aside from a prohibition upon close familial members, to prevent genetic deformities, no hangs ups. They copulate. Frequently. Its why their population is so staggeringly large. There are 11 billion humans and 580 billion Bendolzian”
“So they like sex, good for them...”
“No Mr Robert. That’s not the point. You make the same mistake the XenoBiologists make. You see events but don’t think about what they mean...”
Gupta is back leaning against his desk. It’s covered in papers, neatly arranged, held down with some kind of gold coloured paperweight; perfectly aligned pens; a small, but powerful computer to one side. Fadden however is focused utterly upon the Indian.
“What this shows Mr Robert, is the Bendolzians do NOT have a heirarchy of desire.”
Gupta smiles, “And I realised at that exact moment that they and we THINK differently. This is not exactly a original thing to realise. It obvious really. My gift was I saw exactly how we differed in thought- what process of human thought they did not have. It’s why they don’t use currency. Why their society is far more fluid socially. They simply appreciate the pleasure of sex or the beauty in an object because it is pleasurable or beautiful.”
The Scotsman raises an eyebrow and says quietly, “So you mean...”
“I mean that to a Bendolzian, the ten euro poster of the Mona Lisa is as valuable as the high grade copy, or even the original. They do not fixate upon the need for authenticity. A thing is a thing to them. If it is a beautiful painting? They appreciate the painting, even if it is merely a cheap copy to us.”
Fadden watched as the India picked up the golden paperweight on his desk in an absent-minded manner. He then realised it wasn’t a golden paperweight at all, but an actual small ingot of gold, a few inches long, solid and set. Having it on the desk seemed like the kind of onsetentious display a billionaire liked to make. But he put it out of his mind. He had his exclusive.
“So,” says the reporter, zeroing in on his story, “you realised this and then exploited this?”
“I capitalised upon it. Bendolzians adore human culture yes? So I made a deal with them. I gained the exclusive rights to sell them human art. They love human art. Its alien but fascinating to them. I would sell copies of human paintings to them. To all of them. Any Beldozian now could own a small copy of any human painting. A simple high resolution copy. And they would pay me. Not much. But there are hundreds of billions of them. Micro transactions really do add up.”
“Wait- that IS fraud. That’s the work of artists. You are using THEIR work to gain profit...”
That smug grin returns.
“I never used any art created by a living painter. In fact I don’t use any work less than 100 years old. That left me all the art work from antiquity to the start of the twentieth century. Billions of images. All in the public domain. A never ending supply really.”
“What about the owners of these paintings? Or the museums? They hold the rights to these images, in terms of profit making...”
The India smiles and begins walking back to the comfy chairs, the reporter following him as he spoke.
“Two things Mr Robert- firstly, ALL human laws regarding licensing rights were written specifically to do with the gaining of currency and Bendoldzians do not use currency so they are technically inapplicable.”
Sanjay Gupta sits down, his face wearing a Cheshire Cat grin, “Secondly- museums? Really? Did you ever read about how in the early 21st century there was a rash of ‘copyright farmers’? Legal firms who would purchase the rights to old songs and then go after anyone who used those songs in any media, demanding payment? Men who never had a damn thing to do with the writing, performing and recording of the song, but who bought the rights and made a fortune from them? Tell me, how are museums functionally different from those odious creatures?”
“That’s a debate for the courts. I don’t think they would agree,” says the reporter sitting down opposite his target.
“Perhaps. Perhaps not. But the cases never came to court. The great and the good spluttered at what I was doing in utter indignation and rage, unleashed a bevvy of criminal charges upon me, sought to demand I cut them into my deal. A shake down. They were outraged that I, solely, was profiting from the collective output of thousands of years of human art.”
“Yes, agreed. Its not fair really...”
The billionaire smiles as he stares into his reflection in the small gold ingot he casually toyed with in his hands.
“Perhaps. But then? They dropped ALL the charges. Dropped everything. Retracted every single allegation. Can you guess why?”
“You cut them in?”
“Actually? I made a deal but not the one they wanted. I never gave them a penny. Which begs the question- why did they drop the allegations?”
“It was the Bendolzians? They were getting art from you. They moved to protect you?”
“Oh no Mr Robert. The answer is much more mundane and obvious. Think back along what I have told you during the interview. What is the one glaring inconsistency in my story. What part, when you think about it, doesn’t make sense? A single idea that doesn’t sit right?”
Robert Fadden blinks and sits back. His mind ranges over the rambling discussion. None of it really made too much sense he supposed. A billionaire justifying his fraudulent method of getting rich. Still, it DID seem to have a consistency to it. Fadden mused.
About sex, and art, and how humans think and how the aliens think, and about copies of art, and museums and lawsuits and fraud and...
He blinks.
“Wait. You said the Bendolzians PAID you. But Bendolzians don’t use currency. They never ‘pay’ anyone. They trade. Technology for art.”
“Ah, you are very intelligent Mr.Robert. Yes they trade. A thing for a thing.”
“They gave you technology?”
“No. I have never displayed any advanced technological item have I? No, they did not give me any technology for this art.”
“So what did they give you?”
The Indian smiles and tosses across the small gold ingot casually at him, underarm. Fadden catches it, loses it, and hurriedly grabs it as it falls. He stares at the gold bar for a few seconds.
“Gold?”
“The heriarchy of desire Mr Robert. Question- why do we value gold?”
“It’s precious.”
“No, WHY? Why is it considered precious?”
“It’s rare.”
“Yes. All gold on Earth arrived here at a very specific time period in the planets history. The late heavy bombardment; the asteroids came they hit the thick crust and gold was deposited. But it isn’t much. Gold is a rare and precious commodity on Earth. This rarity makes it desirable. It moves up the heirarchy of desire.”
“But the Bendolzians...”
“The Bendolzians are a very advanced civilisation. They harvest plasma from their sun you know? This process provides fuel for their ships. There is, however, an annoying side effect in this process.”
“Annoying side effect?”
“What business did I begin in again Mr Robert?”
Robert Fadden clings to the small gold ingot, but his eyes widen and in a horse Scottish whisper says, “Waste disposal...”
“Well done Mr Fadden. Bendolzians harvest plasma from their sun and remove the many impurities they find there, including huge quantities of a useless, soft yellow metal, that they have no need for. Gold. I offered to dispose of it for them. In my eagerness however, I unfortunately mentioned it had a value to us humans. Otherwise they may have just given it to me for free. But I was able to fashion an arrangement. I give them art, they give me lots of this waste metal,” he smiles.
“But... that... I mean...”
“Question Mr Robert- can you imagine what would happen to human civilisation if it was revealed that the most precious metal, the actual bedrock of the global economy, was actually as common as sea water?”
“It would... the price would...”
“It would lose its place in the heriarchy of desire Mr Robert. It would no longer be a Mona Lisa, but a low quality postcard of it. The value would plummet.”
“It would... it could... cause a global economic meltdown.”
“Which is what the leaders of the world realised. So a deal was struck. They leave me alone and I keep this a secret. I was allowed enough gold to enter the market to make me richer than anyone else who has ever been and then? I sit on the rest. Occasionally I make secret transfers to the few governments who know. I have actually helped prevent a economic crisis or two. I get good rates.”
“But that’s...”
“Merely a function of the hierarchy of desire Mr Robert. Human beings are no longer alone in the universe. But we haven’t actually changed at all have we? We are still human.”
He laughs, joyful and happy. He catches Robert’s shocked face and his grin seems to grow.
“Of course, I need to keep this fact a secret, but I’m fine with that. Mostly.”
The reporter feels a cold clammy sweat trickle down his back. He gazed at the gold bar in his hand, his mind awash with a thousand thoughts and then one thought stops his thinking dead. One single thought makes him slowly look up, look at his microphone and the recording device, and then look Sanjay Gupta dead in the eye.
“Wait. You have to keep this secret. From everyone. Why are you confessing to me?”
“Oh Mr Robert. I’m not confessing... I am BRAGGING. The only issue with having pulled this off, this brilliant manipulation of TWO species is, alas, I can’t tell anyone about it. It can be somewhat vexing.”
He leans forwards eagerly, a cold glint in his eyes.
“And so? Every so often, when the desire to gloat gets too much much for me? I invite a journalist who is sniffing around, and there are ALWAYS journalists sniffing around, to come meet me. And then I get to brag about this brilliant thing I have done. It is most refreshing and enjoyable to do so. You will be the fourth person I have told this too.”
“What happened to the other three?”
A shrug.
“They are all dead. Oh, it wasn’t me who did it. All three left this Island as alive as when they arrived. But what can I say? All three knew a secret. And maybe they would have published the story. Or maybe they would have kept it to themselves. Who knows? But I ask you? What government can take that chance eh?”
“They were killed?”
“Maybe. They are all certainly dead. Which is odd don’t you think?”
Robert Madden finds himself standing, moving towards the open windows, staring out onto the perfect Caribbean Sea. It’s blue waves gently undulate but the beauty of it is lost upon him. His mind races, considering possibilities and permutations.
Behind him two security men enter the room quietly, and the Indian muses, “Of course we have to ask WHY human governments would think it better to dispose of the reporters like this. Where exactly DO trashy tabloid journalists fit on the hierarchy?”
Fadden feels very cold.
A Bond villain after all...
“You can keep that, by the way,” says Gupta, and Robert is aware he is still holding the gold bar; he gazed at it as his host says, “it’s not like I would miss it.”
Robert closes his eyes. He considers all he knows about the world, all he has learned about life and comes to one sudden, cold, reality.
“I’m fucked,” he says openly, his Glaswegian accent becoming thicker as he gets upset.
“Alas yes Mr Andrew. It would appear so. Now, these gentlemen will escort you to the boat.”
Robert turns and sees his recording device on the table. Next to it sits Sanjay Gupta, smiling away and next to him stand two menacing gentlemen in well made suits.
Twenty minutes later he gathers his wits. As he sits on the purple boat he realises he has one chance, just one chance... if he can upload the interview onto the web, he could maybe use it as leverage. His mind races through possible negotiations with mysterious government figures, his silence can be bought.
But as he fumbles with his phone he spots something and a few minutes later a crew member explains “Mr Gupta apologises, but Bendolozian craft generate a field that prevents signal getting out. If you could wait until you reach the shore...”
Robert Fadden’s mind races. He’ll upload the moment he gets to the marina, then go back to his hotel, if he has time, encrypt the recording, hide all trace, use its existence as a way to...
But as the boat comes into view of its destination he sees them. A small handful of local police officers. Amidst them westerners. Tall ones. Casually dressed. Wearing sunglasses. Their faces all staring at the purple boat that glides into the marina...
He hears his mother’s voice echo in his mind Don’t be having anything to do with dangerous men Bobby; Ya neva know what trouble it can land ya in.

hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?

hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?

The History of the Entire World, I Guess
hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything